Was she totally responsible for how I turned out or for the way I handle situations or for what I did or didn't get in this life? I would have to say no.
Yes, she influenced me in many ways. For example, she wouldn't allow me to get a job when I was in high school because her philosophy was:
"You're only young once, so enjoy these days while you can.
You won't ever have them again."
Was she right? Yes, and here it comes....BUT....it never taught me how to value a dollar or how to work for a dollar. It never taught me responsibility, commitment or how to plan for the future. When I look back at how she managed our household and the budget she must've had, I have to say she was a genius! She was a single mother and yet I recall having at least 5 or 6 completely new sets of living room furniture in our home growing up! How many people can say that? I found out later, at her funeral actually, that she would give our living room furniture away to people who needed furniture and had no way of getting it at the time, and then buy new furniture for us. There were people at her funeral I'd never met before that were telling us how, in their time of dire need, our mother helped them. I had no idea!
I also remember that every Christmas, we would come downstairs and find a very large pile of gifts by or under the tree for each of us. I thought we were rich! She threw a party every single Christmas holiday for friends and family that lasted all day long. People would come and go and half of them, I did not know. Not only that, but every single person that walked through that door got a personal gift on the way out that was especially meant for them and when they opened it, it was 'always' something 'they always wanted'! Sadly, that gift and trait was never passed onto me.
My mom sold Avon for many years. I always hated the smell of the perfume. I called it 'old lady's perfume'. I asked her once why she sold it. She said, "It started out to earn extra money for the house and bills, but I kept on doing it because I love to talk to people and this was my way of being able to do that." And she did it for many years.
She worked four jobs at one time in order to make ends meet. I was solely responsible for the care of my brother and sister since I was the oldest. A daunting task. They were at each other's throats all the time and I was only one year older than my brother. The respect wasn't there and I had to beat them into submission many times. I once threw my brother off the second story porch of our apartment building because he broke the closet curtain rod over my head. I never baby sat in those days and never wanted to have children of my own later on. I wonder why?
She was an excellent seamstress. When she was invited to a wedding, her gift to the bride was hand-made dolls, dressed in the same colors of the bridesmaids and of course, a bridal doll that exceeded any Barbie doll gown I ever saw! They were gorgeous! She made one for the hood of each car of the bridal party. They were keepsakes. Did I ever take advantage of that talent? No. She asked me many times if I wanted to learn. My answer was always, no. What a shame.
She was an excellent cook. Never used a recipe. But her food was delicious and she cooked with relish. So many times she would ask me to help her in the kitchen. My answer was always, no. So many recipes I wish I had today, but don't.
She loved baseball. I never knew it. She would watch the games when we weren't around. I don't know why. Maybe she was embarrassed that a woman like baseball? I don't know. But I never knew she even liked the game until after she died and I was told by others.
One thing I can say I gained, whether I liked it or not, was a love of classical music. She played it all the time and blasted it on our stereo. She bought the stereo so she could listen to Lily Pons, Enrico Caruso or Beverly Sills. You either loved it or hated it and I ended up loving it.
She had Celiac disease before anyone knew what it was. She suffered for many years with gout before she was diagnosed with it or found someone who even knew anything about it. It caused her much agony, pain and because of that, anxiety and depression. Her mood swings were infamous and deadly at times, but I never even knew what was wrong until after she died. She never shared anything with her children. Except my sister. Ruth was her favorite and she did share a lot with her, but Ruth and I were siblings, not friends, when we were young, so we didn't have a sisterly relationship as were grew up.
My mom wanted me to marry a man that would be able to take care of me. She envisioned a doctor or businessman...someone with money. She had a dominant personality and therefore, was very controlling. As submissive as I was, I still resisted that control. I tried once to abide by her wishes. I wanted to smoke because my friends did and she told me that if I ever wanted to smoke, to just come and tell her and she would allow it, even in our home. She smoked too. As I sat on our sofa one day, I opened my purse and pulled out a pack of cigarettes and lit one. I began smoking it. She was sitting across the room and when she noticed what I was doing, she 'flipped'! She came over and grabbed it out of my mouth and began screaming at me about it being a horrible habit and I was NOT allowed to ever have another cigarette, ever! Was I surprised? You figure it out. In later years, she developed emphysema. But she switched to filtered cigarettes instead of non-filtered. That helped....
I began doing things opposite of what she wanted me to do. I failed at being a secretary at the Bethlehem Steel. I hated it. She made me apply there and work there so I could meet a nice man. I dated guys that were not good for me, or anyone else for that matter. I always seemed to be attracted to the wrong men. I wonder why? I started drinking and hanging around people who did. She didn't like any of my friends or where I spent my time. I invited her to dine with me at one of the establishments I frequented. She did...once.
From that point on, it was 'get thrown out of the house' then 'move back in' and that cycle continued for years. Finally, I did move out on my own and held down a steady job that I could live on, but our relationship was damaged beyond repair. I wasn't the daughter she always dreamed of. I wonder why?
But was it all her fault? I blamed her, yes, but after I 'grew up' and met the Lord, I realized a lot of it was simply me and my choices. Yes, I may have made them because of the way she was, but I did choose to make them. Nobody twisted my arm, and I continued on a destructive path for many years to come, of my own free will.
So, are we the way we are because of our parents...not entirely. Are we the way we are because of their influence, yes, in some ways and for some reasons. It's not always a cut and dried answer. But, when I look back and see where I was, how I got here and what I've learned, I have to say that most of it was my own doing. I chose to do what I did and there were consequences to those actions. There always are.
Would I do it over again the same....no. If I knew then what I know today, my life would be completely different. Do I have regrets, yes. Many. But they're in the past and you can't go back. Also, they are 'under the blood of the Lamb'. I'm forgiven and cleansed by what Jesus did on a cross - for me - so long ago. He made the 'right' choices and because of that and His sacrifice for all of us, I was able to have a great ending to the life I have.
One final thing I can say is this... if I had the chance to live a different life, but it wouldn't have included salvation, due to the realization through what I'd experienced, that I needed Jesus, I would definitely do it all over again the same. Jesus is and should be our final goal. He's what we are in these bodies for. So we can make the choice to be with Him forever - throughout all eternity. That's what this life is for! To decide where you're going to live forever!
What will your choice be?
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